i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
