3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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