I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
