this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
