If i come over, it means nothing
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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