he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
