Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
