Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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