We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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