When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I touched a dick in church today
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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