I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
