And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
