Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
