My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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