I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
