do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
