you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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