I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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