my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
