I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
