2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
