I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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