My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
