chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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