Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
