i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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