i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
