if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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