Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
