smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
