This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
