you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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