Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
