Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
