we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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