I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
