dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
