I could make wine with my vomit
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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