i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
