I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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