i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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