i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
