Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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