I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
