I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
