she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
