Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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