You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
