Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
