he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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