I am puke
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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