I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
