i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Couch. On fire.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
