sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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