the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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