No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
