I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
