We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
