you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
