Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
