FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
