Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
