I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
