He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
