I cannot find my penis.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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