She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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