God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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