a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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