I don't usually arrange sex via text message
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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