i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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