So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my phone needs a breathalizer
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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