The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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