So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
