I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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